After years of being a Christian and looking over my journals, I recognized my death. This is the day I had my white funeral.

I was at the point in my life where I had to make the choice, live or die. When you find yourself at a crossroads unable to move because of the weight bearing upon you, what do you do? It was a time in my life when nothing made sense. Dreams and goals are shattered, there is no direction, doors are blocked, and you are all alone. It felt like a curse or death.

I was in the military, engaged to an officer. I had a job that I enjoyed, and  I traveled the world. I was an aero-medical nurse who transported and provided medical care to patients on the aircraft. This consisted of loading the aircraft with all medical supplies setting up patients’ beds/stretchers, and attending to the needs of family traveling with the patients. I flew for 3-4 days with stops in several countries then came back to my duty station. My boyfriend (soon-to-be husband) is also stationed at my base. He is loving, kind, and an excellent communicator who took the time to listen and understand me. Life was good or so I thought.

My attention to the so-called “good life” took full control over me to the point I put my relationship with God in a compartment. I was in love, swept off my feet by the man of my dreams, traveling the world, and just plain enjoying life. What more could a girl ask for…right? Soon things began to change. My health became an issue. I had some medical conditions that grounded me from flying. Upon diagnosing one health issue I found I could not bear children. This medical information changed my entire life. I was depressed and asked myself, “How do I tell my soon-to-be husband I cannot bear children?” We both wanted children. Adoption was not an option. When I wrestled up enough strength to tell my fiancé, He confronted me with military orders sending him far away for several years.  On top of that, he would be deployed in 2 weeks. The trials kept coming, one after another. He left during a time when I needed encouragement and support. I am all alone, left to myself, broken and afraid. It just takes a blink of an eye and your entire life can be changed for evermore.

So, I asked God what was going on. There the problem lay. Now you have my attention. Now I might listen to your voice. Now I may not be distracted. God had my full attention. The next months I devoted myself to an intimate relationship with God, consisting of prayer, study, and meditation of the Word, and making it active in my life. The best thing about this is that I came to the point of having my” white funeral”. This is a term used by Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest to define putting to death self for sanctification. “There must be a “white funeral,” a death with only one resurrection— a resurrection into the life of Jesus Christ. Nothing can defeat a life like this. It has oneness with God for only one purpose— to be a witness for Him.” I realized being a Christian is so much more. We think because we go to church and serve we are good Christians, but that is not it at all. It is moving from salvation to regeneration, from your will to God’s will. It is no longer me controlling my life, but the Holy Spirit of God. Many of us fall into that trap and never move forward and have never had a white funeral. Romans 6:4 says “We were buried with Him…that just as Christ was raised from the dead…even so we also should walk in newness of life.”  He wants to sanctify us. 1 Thessalonians 4:3 says, “This is the will of God, your sanctification.”

I laid down Sybil so Jesus could live through me. Not me, but God. My focus was on the Source, goals changed, and there came peace and joy amid the trials. I surrendered my will to enter His will. I was placing myself where God may begin His process to sanctify me. Stop trying to run your own life and let God take the lead. It will be rewarding. Put self-will to death. Have you had your white funeral? If you want life don’t try to avoid the cemetery.

Sybil Clanton