I don’t know when this began, but I now realize it. It is surreal and boy am I enjoying it. When God spoke to me about my condition I listened. I changed my focus and trusted Him. I guess you say, “What is she talking about?” I’m glad you asked. For years I felt inadequate, uncomfortable, and lonely. I complained about it all the time. I know people surrounding me were tired of hearing the complaints. I thought being single was a curse. I was bored and felt all alone all the time. I whined so much I got on my nerves. I  did get sick from depression and the stress of it consuming my mind.

Being older and single became a negative factor in my life. I did not want to engage in groups of all couples. I stopped attending a small bible group because it was all married folks. I allowed society to define for me that I should be married with kids or something is wrong with me. Though I was going through my ministry activities that kept me busy, I’d come home feeling lonely and empty. I was in a battle with my mind.

As I ponder this aging process and growing old, I am reminded of my mom’s statement. It was, “Just keep on living”.  What did she mean by that? Could it mean that I too would experience some of the same experiences she had growing older? Or, is it to continue working at learning life? I do not know, but my story is learning to embrace it with grace.

It is a challenge, especially when I become aware of changes in my body and mind. My mind tells me I can still do it, but my body says “Stop, slow down or outright No”. I’ve become slower in almost everything. My interests are no longer the same, some things don’t matter anymore, and life seems more difficult. So maybe my mom was telling me to stop teasing her because the day will come when I too will see and understand. It Ain’t fun!

I am reminded of David in Psalm 39:4-6. He was burying himself in emotional and physical pain. He had become frail in old age, but he sought the Lord for help. He realized that life is short, days pass swiftly, and “My age is nothing before You”, (in God’s sight). David took the necessary steps to heal his condition. He confessed and prayed to God. As I meditated on the scriptures, my eyes were opened.

My main concern should not be focused on my age or my circumstances, but on living with eternity’s values in view. I had to turn to Jesus by faith. This meant turning from paralysis to action and from hopelessness to hope. God listens to the cry of the broken-hearted. The moment He made me realize the nature I was exhibiting, I was willing to allow Him to transform me. When I viewed the circumstances surrounding me, I did not recognize Christ and was overwhelmed. Now, I keep recognizing Jesus and I maintain complete reliance on Him.

So often we get caught up with our circumstances or just daily living and exclude God. He does not like that because He loves us.”Seek ye first the kingdom. of God” Matthew 6:33. When I laid down the negative thinking, I heard the voice of God and I obeyed. It goes much deeper. We must surrender our will and allow His will to guide our life. There is peace and joy in doing so. Remember, Jesus laid down His life to do the Father’s will and for us. Why can’t we? Why can’t we be faithful to Him even though the nature of everything around us is to cause us to be unfaithful? I was totally out of the will of God and it was revealed in the pitiful state I was living. I say this, draw on the grace of God in prayer in whatever condition you may find yourself.  You and I don’t have to live without hope, in fear or negative circumstances controlling us. God’s promises are true. He is faithful to protect and guide us. Trust Him. As soon as I obeyed and took the first step the Spirit of God came to me and my depression was no longer. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life. I pray my experience may encourage someone to move now, act on it.

After placing my will into God’s hand, this is the most amazing thing I found.  Time has moved on and I had not noticed the change within me. As I continue to abide in Him, it has become so much a part of my life that I abide in Him without any conscious effort. Praise God! He is good. I am enjoying myself, the person who God so amazingly is transforming to His image and for His purpose. It is not about me, my feelings, or my emotions. Praise God. My happiness doesn’t depend on something, someone else, or any circumstance, only Jesus. No longer am I thinking about it, I am enjoying it. What about you? Are you enjoying that oneness with the Father, His joy, peace, and rest in everyday life experiences?

 

 

 

Sybil Clanton